It has been quite a long time since I wrote a personal narrative about past events in my life and I really want to change that moving forward so I am going to speak about the topic of dreams and how the dead are able to communicate with us through sleep. For the past few weeks, I have been getting strange dreams from my grandmother as she attempts to continue to push me away from my current nihilistic path. She knows that I have grown very reclusive and have ceased speaking to many people in my life. It was not the way that she raised me, but as I have lived in the shithole called America, I have grown more hateful towards all of mankind with the longing desire to destroy all existence as the only answer towards solving the human problem. At times in my life, I have been able to withstand all of her attempts to turn me back into the man that she wishes for me to become, but lately I have been cutting away humans from my life; both in the forms of relationships and also through the words that I have written on this website.
Over the past few months, I have cut ties with my former best friend and my biological mother and several women who I felt crossed the lines when they were trying to dictate how I should live my life or when they wouldn’t respect my boundaries. In the case of my biological mother, she crossed the line when she insisted on putting her happiness above her own child and wished me nothing but misery for simply wishing to be with someone that I loved and cared about. Till this day, I have taken a solemn vow to my ancestors to never say a single word to her for she did something unforgivable, wishing her only son misery so that she could be happy in her own life. I have already told her to live her life without me in it and that even on her own death bed, she will never hear or see me for the rest of her existence. It is a decision that haunts her till this day as she tries frequently to text or call me to make amends but I have no desire to make such amends. For when I close the door on someone in my life, I have no such desires to re-open a door that I have permanently closed. In this situation, I replaced her as a mother with my mentor over 10 years ago and I have been blessed to not have her in my life or in my thoughts for the past year since I ended our relationship a few days before my 30th birthday.
As for my former best friend, I quickly ended that friendship when it became very apparent that she was still living in a self created delusion as to where she should go in life. It wasn’t bad enough that she was “dating” a douche-bag who only used her for sex, and the funniest part of it was that he would only talk to her once every 2 weeks and whenever they would meet up for sex at her place, he was completely high and drunk out of his mind and he would pass out and sleep after the sex. So basically her relationship with this person consisted of only sex and maybe a few words for weeks at a time. She would frequently call me to complain about a situation that she was helping to enable; not to even mention that she STILL refuses to get her degree and get her life out of the train-wreck that it is. So I quickly saw that her life was headed towards a train wreck that I refused to be a part of; so I cut her off and she has not been able to make contact with me for months. It was a good choice on my part as she was displaying feminist tendencies to choose sex and a douche bag “boyfriend” who was doing nothing to make her happy. It might have been a shame to throw away over 14 years of friendship but what are friends to a nihilist?
Yet that wasn’t the only best friend I cut off as I did the same to a girl that I had known for 2 years who wanted us to be friends but the way she lived her life went completely against all of my values and belief structures. She had a great connection with my grandmother who watched and protected us as her guardians, but ultimately, I also cut her out of my life due to our differences. Oddly, I believe that she recently re-connected with one of my oldest friends and as such, she didn’t have time to talk to me anymore. I decided at that moment that it would be the moment that I could seize opportunity and cut her out of my life; it also did not hurt matters that she forgot about my birthday but honestly I was simply grasping at any reason to end our friendship due to her parasitic behavior and leeching off others.
My grandmother has a history of visiting me in my dreams, pleading to me to return to the world of kindness and to the ways that she raised me but due to living in the reality dump-fire called America I have grown to fully embrace nihility and have been using my vast talents and abilities to ensure that this world is wiped away for eternities to come. It is a major point of contention with my deceased grandmother as she has been entering into my dreams for the past 2 years to convince me to stop with my “evil” actions and to start by forgiving those who wronged me in the past. She does this by projecting scenarios and visions into my mind as I enter into deep slumber and creating such surreal dreams that leaves me almost believing that it is a realistic part of my own life. But then I quickly remember that there is no way that I would openly pick up my cellphone and call my mother to bridge the gap between us so that I could see my newest baby sister. Then I also quickly recall the impossibility that I would never pick up the phone to call my biological father to see how he is doing; not after when he walked away from his children to flee from the government for committing a multiple of federal felonies and choosing a life on the run away from his children.
Such scenarios go against the ways of nihility and as such, I openly fight against them when I am awake but when I am in deep slumber, I have no controls over such visions and scenarios and my grandmother knows this. As such, I am somewhat resistant to going to sleep for I know that I have no controls over my grandmother’s ability to see my life and to try and guilt me through dreams, so I only go to sleep for shorter periods of time. Yet I know that this will desist once I stop working next week and will have more time to do other tasks and sleep will come more naturally and become a longer occupation than in the past. Still, my grandmother, the one who raised me, who still protects me and keeps on doing so as my guardian angel, has made it known to me through our many conversations in the dreamworld what she wants me to do and how she wants me to live my life. Maybe I will write a Facebook post next month when my ban is over to discuss such an idea with my followers but I continue to intend to fight the ways that I was raised by her and to continue the fight for reality and to end all existence, even though I know that I have very little time left on this planet.