A Catholic Conundrum

By Eric Thomson (2002)

A conversation overheard near a confessional: “See ya later, fornicator. “After ‘while, pedophile.” Communists and Catholics alike deem confession as ‘good for the soul’ or ‘the vanguard of the proletariat’, as the case may be, but few laymen seem to comprehend the magical mumbo-jumbo surrounding the current pedophile priest scandal. Why not call the cops and kick out the perverts? Well, one may wonder about all the papal palaver and hocus pocus which impedes this simple performance of justice, so I’ll pass on these observations, by way of explanation, if this is the proper word for applied insanity.

(1) The Church’s power and privilege invests priests with superhuman credentials. A pedophile plumber has no such status and enjoys no such protection.

(2) In Church doctrine, as I was told by a priest, the vessel may be dirty, but the content is ‘pure’, because it has been sanctified by a blessing. In other words, a corrupt priest can magically transubstantiate cheap wine and a soda cracker, minus salt, into the blood and flesh of Jesus. The fact that the priest fondles the genitals of choirboys is neither here nor there, according to Church philosophy.

(3) “Sex is evil; evil is sin. Sins are forgiven, so let’s begin!” as the minister on the make said to the floozy. Even murder can be forgiven, so why not child-molestation? The involvement of secular law enforcement authorities is ‘out of bounds’, in terms of religious piety. According to this ‘theologic’, the victims should forgive their molesters, and their complaints make them ‘bad Christians’.

(4) Priests are hard to get and keep, for no normal man would accept a life without the love of a woman. Guess what sort of man would become a priest: a man for whom a lack of female companionship would be no sacrifice! The Church is aware of this fact, so it would prefer that such men remain priests, and that their pedophile peccadilloes be forgiven, but not if their victims have a say in the matter. How very un-Christian of them!


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